Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

Product Information

Tawwab recommends that you take time to rest and let difficult emotions settle after communicating boundaries. It’s important to give yourself a break after setting boundaries because communicating boundaries can be difficult and uncomfortable, especially if you’re new to it. Taking time to eat a comforting meal, read a book, or chat with a friend are all things that can help you decompress after setting boundaries. You are listening to How to Be a Better Human. I'm your host, Chris Duffy. Here's an embarrassing fact about me, and this feels like the perfect time to share it. I am very, very bad at setting boundaries. If you ask me to make time for a five-minute phone call and then you speak for two hours, I will probably not say anything to object, even if I have somewhere else to be. I feel overwhelmed," Kim said, burying her head in her hands. She had started seeing me two weeks after she had returned from her honeymoon. Newly married and excelling in her career, Kim prided herself on being the best at everything she did, but her worries about getting it all done had become all-consuming. She was depleted and dreaded getting out of bed in the morning. She not only was determined to be the best for herself, but she also always showed up as the "best" for others: the best friend, best daughter, best sister, best coworker. Now she wanted to be the best wife. And someday, the best mother. Being the best for Kim meant always saying yes. Saying no was mean. Saying no was selfish. She came to me hoping to figure out how to do more without feeling so exhausted. Boundaries are expectations and needs that help you feel safe and comfortable in your relationships. Expectations in relationships help you stay mentally and emotionally well. Learning when to say no and when to say yes is also an essential part of feeling comfortable when interacting with others.

Yeah. That, that causes, you know, more conversations to occur and, and one of those conversations could be, “I understand that you have a different perspective about this situation, but this is what I'm choosing to do.” Because what your parent is saying, “This is what I would do with my sister,” is not really sound advice for you because if you pull your sister out of the equation and say, “Hey, if I had a friend and I was telling this friend something, and every time I told this friend something, they told all our other friends, what would you suggest I do in that situation?” If the parent is really being non-biased, they would very likely say, “You should stop telling that friend that thing.” Tawwab debuts with a comprehensive guide on how to understand and establish interpersonal boundaries....She identifies six types of boundaries—physical, sexual, intellectual, emotional, material, and time—and dispenses tips on how to uphold personal limits....Readers who follow Tawwab on social media and those who find setting boundaries especially difficult will appreciate the advice."Assume that people know only what you tell them, honor only what you request, and can't read your mind.” That's a situation where that's domestic violence. You know, should you be in a relationship where you are physically unsafe? Should you be in a relationship where you are being verbally abused? Those are questions that a person has to answer for themselves. You know, there are times when people are not ready to leave a relationship, and I don't support leaving before you're ready. Shortform note: When correcting unwanted behaviors, some authors suggest that taking a positive approach to the conversation will make it easier for the other person to accept your boundaries. Avoid scolding the other person; instead, express your confidence in them, and encourage them to do better next time.)

Not every workplace conflict can be solved by boundary-setting. If your workplace includes toxic behaviors such as sexual harassment or wage theft, and those behaviors continue even after you communicate your boundaries, you may need to take other actions. Specifically, Tawwab advises that you document misbehavior, reach out to human resources and management (if they’re sympathetic), and consider finding a new job if necessary. To help give your loved ones the time they need to adjust their expectations, begin communicating your boundaries as far in advance as possible rather than waiting until a boundary violation happens, especially if you know an important occasion is coming up. In addition to helping you relate better to others, setting boundaries can also be a useful tool for self-improvement. Tawwab notes that by setting boundaries with yourself in areas such as finance, social media usage, and time management, you can break free from bad habits and begin forming new ones. In this empowering guide, licensed therapist and bestselling relationship expert Nedra Glover Tawwab offers clear advice for identifying dysfunctional family patterns and choosing the best path to breaking the cycle and moving forward.I constantly work with my clients to depersonalize events and interactions with others. When we personalize, we negate the personal story and history of the other people involved. Personalizing assumes that everything is about us.”

How important is culture in teaching or not teaching us about boundary setting? What's been your experience with the intersection of culture and boundaries? Defensive people aren’t listening while you’re talking; they’re personalizing what you say and crafting a response. Their response has much more to do with them than it does with you. They are focused only on getting their needs met and resisting any change in your dynamic. But healthy relationships are not one-sided. The needs of both individuals are equally important.” Boundaries are essential at all ages. They change in relationships, just as the people in relationships change. Transitions such as getting married, going away to college, or starting a family often require new ones. Unspoken boundaries are invisible, and they often sound like “They should’ve known better” or “Common sense would say . . .” Common sense is based on our own life experiences, however, and it isn’t the same for everyone. That’s why it’s essential to communicate and not assume that people are aware of our expectations in relationships. We must inform others of our limits and take responsibility for upholding them.” anxiety. It’s often triggered by setting unrealistic expectations, the inability to say no, people-pleasing, and the inability to be assertive.”

Success!

We simply can’t have a healthy relationship with another person without communicating what’s acceptable and unacceptable to us. If we aren’t proactive about this in our relationships, we can be sure the other person will set their boundaries.” But many people believe, like, if we're not close, then that's problematic. And it's like, no. You get to choose your level of interaction with anyone. If you don't have a close relationship with a sibling, it doesn't mean that you don't have a relationship. It means you don't have a close relationship. But with in-laws, there's this expectation that because this person is, you know, maybe an elder, that they have this information about how to be in relationships with other people. And it's not true when you're dating someone; their family has their own cultural stuff going on, and you're stepping into that and it's like, your job is not really to change their whole system and to point out enmeshment and to point out who's favored. The hardest thing about implementing boundaries is accepting that some people won’t like, understand, or agree with yours. Once you grow beyond pleasing others, setting your standards becomes easier. Not being liked by everyone is a small consequence when you consider the overall reward of healthier relationships.”

Reasons People Don’t Respect Your Boundaries You don’t take yourself seriously. You don’t hold people accountable. You apologize for setting boundaries. You allow too much flexibility. You speak in uncertain terms. You haven’t verbalized your boundaries (they’re all in your head). You assume that stating your boundaries once is enough. You assume that people will figure out what you want and need based on how you act when they violate a boundary.” Like, aren't you your own cultural system? Like aren't you creating your own personal culture? Aren't you creating a culture within your immediate family? Don't we want to decide for ourselves what our lives could look like? I asked her, "What do you really have to do, and what can you delegate? Do you think your friend might be able to find someone else to help them move?" She mulled it over and said yes, but insisted that she wanted to help. At that moment, I could see that Kim had an issue with setting boundaries around how much and how often she's willing to help others and that this was contributing to her anxiety. She meant well, right? All she wanted to do was help people! But her level of willingness to help was impossible to sustain. She desperately needed to do less. When I mentioned delegating, Kim dismissed the idea immediately. She knew only one way to help others, and that was to say yes to doing it herself. As Tawwab describes, passive aggression involves doling out consequences for violations without first taking time to communicate your boundaries. It can be easy to fall into this pattern—when someone does something you don’t like, many people find it natural to sulk or retaliate. However, behaving passive-aggressively usually doesn’t help you get your needs met because the other person won’t know what they’ve done wrong or how to do better until you tell them.The ability to say no to yourself is a gift. If you can resist your urges, change your habits, and say yes to only what you deem truly meaningful, you’ll be practicing healthy self-boundaries. It’s your responsibility to care for yourself without excuses.” Shortform note: If you’re faced with toxic behavior at work that can’t be solved by setting boundaries, there are other actions you can take to defend yourself. Specifically, if you believe you’re being discriminated against at work, you can file a claim with a government agency such as the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC). Agencies such as the EEOC exist to ensure that workers are treated fairly and can help you access workplace protections and legal recourse if necessary.) Boundary Violations