The Viz Book of Crap Jokes: A Pitiful Array of Poor Quality Jokes from the pages of Viz

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Restless Spirit - A strip about a ghost who tries to get some sleep, but various noises keep waking him up. Phil's Spectre – A strip about a young boy who believes he can see a " ghost", in reality an escaped convict hiding underneath a white sheet. The strip is very similar in premise to Zip O'Lightning (see below). The title appears to be a pun on Phil Spector's name. McDONALD'S: Make your brown carrier bags green so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows. RAPPERS: Avoid having to say: "Know what I'm sayin'" all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place. George Best is a Cinema Pest – a one-off strip featuring George Best prematurely disclosing the final twists of notable movies such as The Sixth Sense and The Usual Suspects to incensed cinema goers.

Mrs Clean – a woman obsessed with having a clean house. In most strips she ends up killing or mutilating her children to keep them from making a mess in the house (e.g. stuffing and mounting them; or flaying them alive after hearing that dust mites live in skin particles). This strip appeared in several other comics around the same time. What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.Captain Oats – a one-off strip lampooning the real Antarctic explorer Captain Lawrence Oates. An explorer obsessed with pornography and masturbation, he is depicted skiing across the icy wastes, dragging a wardrobe on its own set of skis upon which is hidden his stash of pornographic magazines. However, his efforts to masturbate are continually frustrated by the presence of his companions. Eventually he gives his famous line "I'm just going outside, I might be some time', and ends up in the latrine with his fingers freezing off. Graffiti Art - a young man desperately trying to offend others with obscene graffiti but only succeeds in being recognised as a talented street artist pushing boundaries.

Boyz R Uz - A stereotypical boy band who are constantly being ripped off by their handler. They do not sing or dance - only mime. Burt Reynolds’ greatest quotes – remembering the actor’s wit and wisdom following his death aged 82 The Hippopotamus Man – A paedophile who believes he is a hippopotamus. He infuriates everyone around him by informing them that he is a hippopotamus, while continuing to try to abuse children. This strip guest starred The Parkie (which see)Krystle's Big Chance – an American teenage girl bullied for having one very slightly crooked front tooth; until she goes to an orthodontist, whereupon her classmates award her prom queen and hail her as beautiful despite her now wearing huge, ungainly dental braces. A parody of Americans who aspire to orthodontics while stereotyping British people as having bad teeth. Lazy Disinterested [sic] 16-Year-Old Photo Shop Girl – a teenage girl who works in a local photo supply shop. She has a very unenthusiastic attitude and is unhelpful to her customers; preferring to chew bubblegum and text on her mobile phone for hours on end. Similar strips have the "Lazy Disinterested 16-Year-Old" working in a supermarket, a shoe shop and a chip shop - the latter seeing her rather talk to a friend (possibly her boyfriend) than serve anyone, and being extremely slow and deliberately uninterested when she does serve someone. Later strips have corrected the title to "Lazy Uninterested 16-Year-Old". Her equally unhelpful counterparts are sometimes featured, including "Ugly Miserable Butch Bus Driver Lady" and "34-Year-Old Obsessive War Workshop Assistant" (an older man so obsessed with role-playing games that when a boy tries to buy two sets of figures from different sets, he will only sell one or the other, but not both as they "are from different scenarios").

Captain Unreliable – A superhero who fails to save the day because of oversleeping, his car breaking down, etc. Billy Bottom and his Zany Toilet Pranks – a literal toilet humour strip, based around a somewhat obese man and his attempts to defecate whilst various factors and circumstances conspire to prevent him from doing so. The first strip carried a spoof certificate of the type given to films by the BBFC, classifying the strip as "puerile". One of the latest has him as a caveman who is caught by the incoming Ice-Age, and is frozen solid for two million years. He is eventually freed by two archaeologists but the stink is so atrocious that he advises them 'I'd leave it for ten minutes if I were you!' Conceived by Tom Bambridge.Bassey Come Home – in which a young boy who lives on a farm has Shirley Bassey as a pet, and must fight to keep her from being sold when the farm falls on hard times.

Danny's District Council – a one-off story parodying General Jumbo of The Beano, in which a young boy commands his own electronic radio-controlled district council. The tiny robotic council workers are all lazy, corrupt and incompetent and eventually switch their allegiance to the villains. The comic occasionally features other parodies of General Jumbo, including "Jimbo Jumbo's Robo Jobos", " Oliver's Army" and "Drill-Sergeant Jumbo". Someone asked me if you could never lie ever again, but you will win a massive lottery tomorrow, would you? I said Yes, that's the most honest money I'm ever make. Here is a list of funny winning the lottery jokes and even better winning the lottery puns that will make you laugh with friends. One Cut Wally – a gents' barber who gives all his customers exactly the same haircut even when they asked for something else. PC Hopper, Bent Copper – a corrupt police officer who often takes bribes and is frequently shown beating a confession out of a suspect.

Grassy Knollington – a nerdy, bespectacled schoolboy conspiracy theorist who would spend every strip putting together and explaining long, complicated and outlandish theories (mostly lasting the whole strip) behind certain events (such as 9/11 and the death of Princess Diana) often to the exasperation of his friends/mother. Typically, at the end of the strip, it would be revealed that Grassy was actually correct!! His name is a pun based on the 'Grassy Knoll' where it is said a gunman was hiding who shot JFK. Having depression is a lot like winning the lottery! I'm heavily taxed and don't want to tell my family.